I hope you know us better than that. Just because your facebook feed is full of posts about this same topic, you don’t actually think that we would bow to peer pressure and share the things that we’re thankful for. Right? Plus, it would be the same things everybody is thankful for: family (yawn), friends (slow blink), and that the United States of America has the sweetest looking flag of all the countries — with the possible exception of Nepal (stay funky with your non-rectangular self!). Then you have to throw in health (if you’ve been healthy) and some other things which are so boring I’m just going to type gobbledygook instead: nvlk;fkj;lasckmvvmlkfl;kdkmv as;lfkjgl aslfkgj saflkj;lasfgjkl; riuoiepeiu.
Maybe we should just talk about the little things I’m thankful for. That couldn’t go south.
- We live in a time in which Jeff Lynne is still creating high-quality music.
- I have enough unread books stockpiled to last my entire life, yet I am still going to purchase many, many more books.
- We are never far from obtaining and consuming a Baker’s Square French silk pie.
- The instant gratification that accompanies newly-sharpened cutlery.
- It has been said many times before, but we live in the Golden Age of Television.
- I have a game on my phone called Smashy Car and I have unlocked seven “Legendary” cars, three of which earn me five times the normal amount of credits.
- My children all enjoy playing instruments and making music with other people, which, you know, is arguably one of the greatest joys of life. Nothing funny there. Pure earnestness. Sorry. It’s never too late to learn how to play an instrument. I started playing accordion a few years ago. I’m very bad at it, but it’s also important to realize that part of the joy of playing an instrument is that you look badass while playing it. Yes — even an accordion. Plus, if you quit your book club in order to play in a band, your alcohol consumption is likely to decrease [needs documentation]. With Christmas coming up you should ask your loved ones for an electric bass.
- No matter how broke you are, you can always afford a Mitsubishi Hi-Uni 3B drawing pencil, which is the Rolls Royce of pencils. If you get one, be sure to smell it right after you sharpen it. That is the smell of quality.
- High quality coffee prepared expertly with the perfect amount of half-&-half added to it. It also helps if it is in my favorite Salt Lake City Winter Olympics mug, which has a wide enough berth in the handle for me to get all four fingers through it. This is no small matter, as my fingers have the same circumference as the leading brand of Italian sausage.
- Always having plenty of warm hats around.
- A trusted doctor &/or mechanic.
- Knowing that ibuprofen takes care of just about anything.
- If you’re a man, you will look good in a tuxedo no matter what.
- Having a wife who’s smarter than you.
- Nutella and Old Dutch pretzel rods.
- Nutella and anything. Even a spoon.
- Every month is Movember when you’re self-employed.
- The ability to forget things.
- Listening to Nina Simone sing “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands” and, even if for only a minute or two, believing it. She’s that damn good. Stop reading this right now and go listen to it. It’s just her and a piano and if you’re not holding back a tear at the end of it, I will buy you can of WD-40 for your dead cyborg heart.
- “X-Files” in January.
- I own scaffolding.
- We should all be thankful that water is a universal solvent. Think about how confusing life would be if it wasn’t. See? Terrifying.
- We, as humans, see just as much color as we need to.
- The future of space exploration.
- Greek yogurt everywhere!
- Aussie fries with ranch, cheese, and ketchup at the Minnesota State Fair.
- Baby animals (not birds with their unsettling blue skin-covered eyes though).
- Baby humans, but only because they all look like tiny little Winston Churchills.
- Cream cheese wontons.
- Quality beer that hasn’t been hopped to the point of being undrinkable.
- We’re almost done recording this epic triple album for you. We’re closing in on it. Twenty or twenty-one new songs all locally grown and hand-crafted by dedicated music artisans (us). Just two days ago, we were so far along that Jonathon was recording Al’s Champagne flutes to get the right clink for one of the last tracks (“Champagne Migraine”). When you’re recording glassware, you know that you’re almost done with tracking.
That should do it. Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at 3 Minute Hero Industries. And if anybody in your family starts bringing up stupid political shit at your otherwise delightful family gathering, just do what I do: start the table on fire and make deafening car noises.